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Ramblings of the stigmatized!

An old boyfriend of mine used to tell me, “Louise, your brain is not your friend.”                                                                                                                                                         HE was so right!  Since I was 12 or 13 I have been racking up diagnoses:  Substance use disorders, Anxiety Disorders, PTSD, Seasonal Affect Disorder, …..  I could go on and on, and one thing I know to be true is that there are more mental disorders than I have names for. Basically what I am getting at is that I am in no danger of being labeled normal or boring.

I have always experienced huge emotions, and I guess I will always be an emotionally charged human being.  So, today was the day that I handled all of the bill payments and phone calls that needed to be made and returned, you know the ones you put off and put off until you absolutely must handle them or shit is going to hit the fan!  I absolutely hate talking to recordings and computers!  I found out today that it costs 5 dollars to actually talk to a person at Time Warner…..5 dollars just to speak with a human…..(*^%*&&*^*(&^)(_(*_ wow…..I love this stuff!!

I knew going in it was going to be stressful getting all of this stuff done today  so I woke up and did breathing exercises, some yoga and had a healthy breakfast.  YEAH RIGHT!

I woke up late, got off to  bad start, began to head toward an appointment and I did not know exactly where it was but I knew the direction. I’m driving trying to make my GPS work….  my phone jammed up over and over again until I was so furious I wanted to toss the damn thing out the window.  UGGG…I hate my phone.  I think I say this at least 100x a week.  I am waiting on my free upgrade in December, but each time something like this happens I feel like another month of this might just tip me over the edge.

I have decided that I am an electrically charged human being.  When I get upset my computer, phone, whatever electric I am working with jams up and for whatever reason will not work.  I am not sure what is going on here, but it has been going on long enough for me to be convinced that I am so emotional that my emotions somehow jam up my electronics, NO LIE!

Not being able to walk effects every single part of my day (using a knee crutch to walk is just not the same), having absolutely shitty coping skills also adds to my struggles. OH yeah, I forgot sexually starved!

I get so damn mad I feel like I am going to explode some days, I begin to tell myself that I can’t handle what is going on.  I start mumbling and talking to myself and I feel like I could bust into a million zillion pieces.

Automated people, fragmented systems, people who are so disconnected from any understanding of how the entire system works whereby ensuring that no one knows what the fuck to do or how to do it.  I often wish I knew what it was like to just be able to relax and allow things just to be but I am so absolutely scared of making even a tiny mistake or disappointing someone or missing a deadline.  I think it comes from people knowing about my “issues”.  I am afraid if I slip up in the slightest they will attribute it to the fact that I have had substance use issues, or mental health problems not that I am just having a shitty day.

This is  one of the struggles that people like me have.  We are always trying to prove we are okay…..trying to make sure we do not ever display any behaviors characteristic of “using behavior” which is silly, because what we are trying to do is ensure that we are never sick, never late, never forget anything, ever make a mistake.  Pretty much we can no longer be human if we are to avoid people thinking the worst of us!….  I went back to work one week after getting my leg amputated teaching in front of 40 and 50 people at a time.  Not because I was okay with it but because I was afraid people would assume I was not okay and I would be replaced!…I never call in sick, I am always worrying about this or that.   I feel like i have to work 10x harder than everyone else …..while getting paid 10x less than everyone else.  Well, no one told me it was going to be easy and nobody said it would be fair.  BUT that does not mean I can’t bitch about it!

Join or start a local drug user union if you use drugs or have ever used drugs…..remember they spent a trillion dollars to ensure that we hate ourselves and it is gonna take a lot of love to heal from all that negative!  Be nice to someone who uses or misuses drugs today because drug users are awesome!

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